Suspended

Things around here are remarkably crazy. Due to this fact, I am suspending the blog for the time being. I am completely unmotivated to write here and am questioning how much I even want to share with the world.

I might be back later, I might not. 

No Excitement

MC goes back to Pathway first thing in the morning. I’m dreading sending him back; he’s dreading going back. We don’t know if he is coming home for good next month, which is what Pathway wants, or if he will stay out there until fall, making it a year, which is what the prosecutor wants. The director of Pathway has sent our lawyer a letter for the judge explaining that jail would undo his progress. No one seems to care though. It’s so awful not knowing what comes next.

In addition, MC said his new life just sucks in that he cannot do any of the things he loves. No drinking, no guns, no excitement. He’s right. While I don’t drink, I do love to go shooting with him. That’s something we used to do together, that was our “thing.” Now that’s gone.

My job is still up in the air. I won’t be heartbroken if my contract isn’t renewed, but I’m going to be scrambling to find something else. I’ve got so much to do as far as writing cover letters and such. I HATE writing cover letters.

I’m hoping that all of the financials work out quickly so we can get back on our feet and get our own place with room for our dogs. Hopefully, MC’s appeal will warrant his 100% rating or at least unemployability. My shitty teacher salary isn’t cutting it.

Right now, I just need some stability and I don’t have it. I just don’t have it. It’s making me crazy and it’s definitely not exciting.

New normal

In the course of this seven year marriage, there have been ups and downs and the downs have been much deeper than the ups have been higher. 

MC’s three week visit home is coming to a close and he will return to Pathway on Saturday morning. I have noticed a great deal of change in him. He behaves better, seemingly more in control of his emotions. However, he’s bored. He’s wondering how he is going to spend the rest of his life now that he cannot work. I am sure somewhere down the line he will figure out something, but right now, he is anxious about how he is going to fill his days while I am at work. 

I, on the other hand, wonder how I am going to get any sleep when he returns. He is still not sleeping at night. Though since he has been home and had pneumonia, it’s been hit or miss. I am completely exhausted and have been since he got home. He also can’t drive, so I am driving all him all over hell’s half-acre. 

I am going to have to figure out how to make it all work. He is going to have to do the same. We are going to have to work together on this. I hope that part will be easier that in times past as he is definitely trying harder to communicate with me. That is something I am trying to get used to as well. 

We are still hanging in there and I am really not looking forward to seeing him get on that plane Saturday morning. I know soon, we will be together, navigating this new normal. 

Changes

MC is home for a couple of weeks. He’s been here for four days now, and so far so good. I can tell some definite changes in here, most of them good. However, his memory is rapidly declining. His attitude is mostly good and he is being wonderful to me, which is welcomed but definitely different.

I have learned that once he is home for good, I will qualify for the second tier of the caregiver stipend program. That is according to the coordinator, but MC’s therapist and psychiatrist believe I should be rated at the third tier due to his need for nearly constant supervision. It’s true that since he’s been home I’ve not slept much because he’s up all night. My energy is running low for sure. On top of this, we both have nasty colds/sinus infections.

I had my classroom evaluation on Monday in the thick of my illness. I wasn’t 100% but I think my lesson went okay. However, I doubt my contract will be renewed. The administration has been weird around me lately, so we’ll see. I’m not terribly concerned because I have realized I’m not supposed to be a school teacher, I will always be an educator though. I have some prospects for new jobs and they look good. I also have a lovely feeling that good things are about to come our way. I have a book agent pushing me to write a book and I really think I will. Summer will be here soon and I will have the time.

MC spent the night at my mom’s with our dogs and my brothers lat night. I hope he had a nice time. My brothers adore him and they need him as much as I do.

That’s the news from our little region of this scary world.

Support Groups

I’m a member of several support groups for caregivers of wounded veterans. Obviously, most of the other members are women as well. Now, I have never been one to have awesome relationships with most women. Of course there are some who I just mesh well with; my best girlfriends for instance. Those gals love me for me. They love me for my intelligence and for my willingness to tell them truth and they know they will always get an honest opinion from me. I expect the same from them. 

Now, a few of the support groups I am in don’t appreciate people like me, or more probably, people different than they are in some way. Whatever. Anyway, I have excused myself from those particular groups. Evidently, I offend because I am direct and refuse to sugar coat things. I also think girls are so often taught that they should be “nice” above anything else. In this life, most things aren’t “nice” and they aren’t sweet. I also firmly believe that if you are an adult, you deserve to be treated with honesty and respect.  If you have bad news for me, don’t sugar coat it, it does no one any favors. 

It seems as though my outlook is not shared by many in this community of caregivers. That’s fine. I am who I am and I don’t need anyone’s approval. I am not rude or hateful. I simply am. If you don’t care for that, then move along, I can’t help you by saying something  ”nice.” 

It is time for me to bid many of those groups farewell, as some of the members made it abundantly clear that I’m not like them. 

Solutions, not sympathy

In this world of no promises or guarantees, it is hard to logically believe that we are owed anything. I do believe that as human beings we deserve to be housed, clothed, fed, and tended to appropriately when we are sick. I believe that we should help others to create goodwill.

In this vain, I do believe that when someone asks for help or advice, that is exactly what we should give them. If we do not have or cannot provide what is requested, we should remain quiet. It does the person in need absolutely no good when they are told to, “make the best of what you have” or “be thankful for the good things” or “you should pray on it.”

In fact, those things are insulting. In my world, I don’t want someone telling me how to think or behave and that will make all of my ills and troubles go away. I’m a wonderful person, dammit, and live my life as a good, compassionate human being. How is that not enough?

I’m a public servant both in my career and in my home as the provider of love and care to battle rattled husband. I love animals great and small, I am a protector of children who are in my care from 8-4 everyday. I’m a good friend, sister, and daughter. I protect the weak.

Don’t tell me to be thankful that my husband is alive, believe me, I am. Don’t tell me things could be worse, I know they can, I have a fully functioning, logical mind. Don’t tell me to pray to something that you believe in, it’s presumptuous and short-sighted to blindly believe I also believe.

If you want to pray for me to whatever you pray to, great, thank you for thinking of me. I don’t know that I believe in a god. I just don’t know. There is too much terror and ill in the world for me to fully trust that right now.

When someone asks for help, offer real, tangible help or advice, give them just that. If you can’t, remain silent. Most humans don’t want sympathy, they want solutions. By offering something tangible, you respect that person as a free-thinking, intelligent human being. Emotion should not be part of a solution or suggestion, practical, logical, and applicable advice. Everyone has problems, and while it is said that misery loves company, most people just want to not be miserable.

This post is not meant to ruffle feathers, but rather shed some light on something so incredibly frustrating to me and others in this world.

If you are going to be nasty and offer ugly words of hate or stupidity, don’t bother commenting.

Break?

I really need to catch a break soon. Really. MC too. Both of us. We need a collective break or twist in our luck.

We need a home of our own. Our own space. We need to not be living with our parents at 30 years old. It’s embarrassing, but I am so incredibly thankful that we have wonderful parents who are so willing to help. 

Tonight, I am really angry. I’m angry that my so-called professional job doesn’t pay a living wage.  I did spend this snow day getting caught up on some things, including applying for other jobs. Perhaps something will work out. It must. 

My car’s radiator decided to shit the bed this weekend, so now I have to fix that. Money we don’t have. Thank goodness for my dad. 

I got my hair done Friday night hoping that would pick me up. It did for a few hours, but now I am back to being blah. It seems so little makes me happy anymore. My husband is such a better husband now, and I love my dogs, but beyond that, nothing. Most days, I just don’t want to get out of bed. Or even wake up. 

I am so tired, yet I don’t sleep most of the time. 

We are supposed to hear something on MC’s VA claim by the end of the week, but we’ve been told that before. I’m not holding my breath. 

I suppose it will either come down to us catching a break or me breaking. Only time will tell.